


Regina In Peccatum

by krystian



Series: Unfamiliar Cadence [3]
Category: Code Vein (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Gender-Neutral Protagonist (Code Vein), Heirs | Bad Ending (Code Vein), POV Second Person, Self-Hatred, Spoilers, Suffering, Surreal, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:33:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22926490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krystian/pseuds/krystian
Summary: It hurts - more than you care to admit. It hurts and you don't want to endure it any longer, but what hurts even more is seeing your friends suffer.You would do anything to save them.
Series: Unfamiliar Cadence [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1668760
Kudos: 35





	Regina In Peccatum

**Author's Note:**

> i tried a new formatting style and flow, and i'm sorry if it's hard to understand/read at some points, but i thought something abstract would work better with a frenzying, frightened revenant
> 
> for better understanding, this is directly after the fight with silva
> 
> title taken from the song Requiem, either version:
> 
> _Malum Peccatum, Regina In Peccatum_  
>  _Wicked Sin, Queen in (the midst of) Sin_  
>    
> i hate latin.

You aren’t human anymore.

But then again, when have you last been human? When have you last felt hunger, not just the thirst for blood, felt too cold or too hot, felt completely safe and sane and not on the brink of a frenzy?

It hurts. It hurts so much that it feels as if something is maiming your body, ripping you in two, devouring you from the inside out, digging its claws into you.

You can feel the blood running down your face, little droplets falling to the ground below, and you’re hesitant to see what it looks like, you’re scared that it might just be… _blue._

A deep azure, like the mist that surrounds you, that surrounds everyone you cherish and want to protect, the colour of your eyes and a cloudless sky. The colour of all the good things, once so precious to you.

The colour you’ve grown to hate – just because it represents the Queen, because it is synonymous with her. 

The reason why you stood in front of the mirror for hours, staring at your reflection and willing your blue eyes to assume a different colour. The reason why you’d asked Shang to get you some contacts, had almost begged him, because you couldn’t stand looking at the mirror with the Queen staring back at you like that, her sorrowful eyes so cold. 

And lo and behold, Shang had provided. Brown and green and grey, even purple and red contacts, but all of them had started to hurt after a while, had somehow put a strain on your eyes, so Yakumo and Louis had advised against wearing them all the time unless you wanted your eyesight to recline rapidly.

But now your eyes are probably bluer than ever before; you can’t see it, but you don’t have to. It’s written in their faces, as clear as the day.

As blue as the deepest part of the sea, and just as wild as the ocean on a stormy night. Eyes of a frightened, hurt animal, the last of your humanity leaving you.

From the moment this fight had broken out, you knew your end was coming, that there was no way around it. It was your own fault, most likely. If you’d tried a little harder, if you’d looked harder for an alternative solution, this might not have happened – but it did, and now it’s too late to change anything. Too late to bring them back and too late to save yourself from doom.

It takes a monster to slay a monster.

And for the sake of your friends – for the sake of the entire world – you will become one.

it hurts so much

you just want it to stop

want the pain to subside

But giving up is not an option. It isn’t, has never been one in the first place. It’s you who has to take on the relics, it’s you who has to endure this agony, it’s you who has to seal them, so others don’t have to suffer in your stead.

you want to go back

back to where Io is, where your friends are

back home

home

The pain is almost unbearable at this point; it’s worse than any enemy you’ve encountered, worse than the still human-looking Lost you’ve met on your way, but not worse than the expressions on your companions’ faces, their worried yells, all of which are breaking your heart.

It’s for their own good – you’re doing it for them, them and everyone else on this godforsaken world. You want them to have a future – it doesn’t matter if you’re not there with them. You will create a future for them, even if it’s the last thing you do. 

You can’t understand what they’re saying. The blood in your veins, your own heartbeat – both are way too loud, blocking out everything else and making you dizzy, making your head spin with unknown emotions and thoughts that are not your own.

stop

The blood – or whatever it is, you don’t know, you don’t care – is still running down your face, leaving dark trails underneath your eyes. They hurt. Everything hurts.

no sound comes from your battered vocal cords

you can’t even whimper

you are mute. always mute. blood running down your throat

clogging up your mouth, your nose, your head, it’s e _verywhere_

Your face – the entire left side of it feels as if it’s being burnt off, ripped from your bones and then glued back without a care in the world. Flashing hot pain, the smell of burning flesh, your flesh, or the flesh of your comrades? Are they still alive?

Bright lights and sparks make shadows appear in front of you, beside you, in your head and your thoughts, invading them as if they had any _right_ to. The fire _(is it fire?)_ burns.

it

burns

Your clothes on your skin, heavy and constricting and warm. So warm. Rough clothes on you. Your mouth is dry. So dry. Everything is dry. The thirst is painful.

Your lips are heavy, too heavy to move, numb. No, you lack the strength to move, to ask for help, to whisper, to whimper, to even lick your lips.

you need to drink

_you are so thirsty_

Sharp teeth digging into your broken lips. Your own teeth? Fingers tearing through bloody flesh. Not yours. Someone else’s. Pressure, so much pressure on your bones, they’re cracking, your skin is peeling off, dry paint, everything is _dry_. Your mind, just about to break.

you just want oblivion

peace of mind

silence

everyone screams and it’s all too _loud_

There’s crackling in your ears. Electricity? Or just the fire. Must be the fire-

What fire?

It’s hard, drawing in breath after breath when your lungs keep screaming for oxygen, when your eyes are squeezed shut and the hot, heavy air _(miasma?)_ suffocates you.

And then it’s all over. The stones beneath your feet are a welcome feeling, grounding you and keeping you in place as your ragged breath fills the uneasy silence. That’s your chance – you can still do it. It isn’t too late.

The pain is still there, but it’s a dull ache in the left side of your body, throbbing, and even that slowly fades away into nothingness, leaving you shattered and broken but still _salvageable._

You didn’t ruin everything; there’s still hope.

 _Hope_.

Behind you, you hear footsteps. Your companions are approaching you, slowly, hesitantly, but it’s still too early. Salvageable, but still, danger lurks beneath the surface.

Your dreams and hopes shatter like Revenants do when they die – turning into nothing but fine mist and haze.

Clenched hands _(your hands? Or someone else’s?)_ and heavy breathing, panting. It’s so quiet.

no, it isn’t

they’re talking

about you

what are they talking about?

You can feel your body stumble, can feel it cramp up. It’s not your body anymore, is it? Miasma _(blue, blue, blue, that shade of blue)_ surrounds you. Miasma is bad, isn’t it? It’s bad – you fucked up, _you fucked up-_

it hurts so much, please, you just want it to end

it hurts

it

hurts

Everything is spinning, way too much, way too fast.

Blood flows, warm and blue and w _hy is your blood blue? You’re human, aren’t you?_

Your hands are shaky; your teeth are clenched so tightly that you can hear them grind against one another. None of this is under your control. It burns like fire and you can’t move a muscle, your body is refusing to obey, doesn’t listen to your commands anymore.

There are words that aren’t your own… You are mute, but they still leave your mouth. No, not words. Grumbles. Growls. Screams. Are they yours?

You know you aren’t alone. There are others with you. Friends. Companions. Humans? No, Revenants. Like you. You are a Revenant.

They are here to help you, to pull you away from your screeching, crashing, burning mind, filled to the brim with _thirst and something else, someone else._

Talking. They talk to you, expecting an answer and maybe you weren’t always mute if they expect a verbal answer, maybe your throat can still…

You move your lips. It’s feels strange, should it feel strange? They’re numb, as if they belong to someone else. It doesn’t matter. You have to. You just have to… try a little harder, a little more.

But how? How does one speak? Have you ever spoken before? You can’t remember, can’t remember anything. You must speak. Must tell them you are fine.

It's easier if you…

Your fingers move on their own. They feel foreign, bony, sharp, not yours. It doesn’t matter. Nothing does. If your fingers are moving, then that means your lips can move as well, it means they belong to you, that you are in control of your _(your?)_ body.

But it isn’t as easy as you imagined it’d be.

You want to cry out, ask them for help, beg them to _make your pain go away,_ but you’re mute again. Or still? Have you ever been able to speak at all?

They must hate you. Hate you for being so weak, so fragile, so useless. Can’t do anything, good for nothing. You ruined everything. Everything.

And then everything is calm. The air doesn’t whip your face anymore; your heartbeat isn’t as erratic anymore, you are calm.

The people around you aren’t.

Seemingly worried for some reason, frantic, not at all calm. You don’t know why. There is… no need to worry.

Your eyes are blue – a lovely shade of vibrant blue, piercing the Revenants around you. The tiny blonde, the broad redhead, the slender brunet, the tall white-haired man. They don’t look happy, and something inside you knows the reason why, but it is buried deep beneath rubble and heavy miasma.

It spreads fast.

Whatever it may be, it is spreading fast, across your cheek, spanning the width of your face, lining your skin with intricate patterns. And it spreads inside you; the blue fills you up, it eats you from inside, it swashes against the confinements that are your body, it _gives you power._

_You have power._

you shouldn’t have that much power

_but you do._

Those Revenants in front of you – you don’t know them. You don’t care about them either, they aren’t vital to your mission _(survive, destroy)_ and they should know better. Sinful creatures, filled with fear. No, not fear. Determination? It reeks all the same.

The thirst is incredible, your hunger insatiable.

_You are at fault for not being able to slay the monster, aren’t you? It’s been you, all along._

Doubt rears its ugly head inside your mind.

But you are too far gone. There is no coming back from where you are.

_Do you want to come back?_

Nothing but shards and cracks in the surface and the burning stench of fright. You can smell it in the air, sharp like glass.

They still talk, talk about you like they’re worried about you, like you’re a friend, but you aren’t, you are something more, something else, something… _you don’t know what you are._

It’s alright. Your head still hurts, feels as if it’s bursting, but it’s a good feeling, it’s good to know you’re finally in control again. In control when you summon the spears and aim at them, in control of the strength inhabiting your body, your vessel.

And your heart.

it.

bursts.

The pain is back in an instant, so much brighter than before, so tangible, so much _more…_

_stop_

_stop stop stop_

_you want it to stop_

_it hurts_

_you don’t want this anymore_

_it hurts it hurts it hurts_

You’re blind, you’re mute, you’re deaf, there’s nothing, _nothing left except the blinding light, the heat, the stench of iron and burning flesh._

Someone is behind you, their breath is warm on the nape of your neck, their tears drip down onto your skin. That’s what it feels like at least, because _you can’t see anything._

And suddenly the pain leaves your body, the foreign thing leaves your body, and your heart crumbles beneath its own weight, chokes on blood and stutters, coming to a halt.

Memories come and go. They aren’t yours. Or are they? They’re blue as well, so blue that you want to scream in anguish, but no sound leaves your raw throat. No sound but a pathetic whimper. All the people in your memories, they’re nothing more than black shapes crumbling into ash.

No, not black. Just grey.

Grey, as is the ground your cheek rests against.

_you are so tired_

_you could sleep for an eternity_

_maybe you will_

But the ground isn’t grey anymore, it’s blue, that disgusting, vile shade of blue you’ve grown to hate. It’s blue like the Queen’s blood, like your eyes, like her mist, _like everything bad in life_.

Your eyes close.

The Queen is destroyed, her relics sealed away inside of you for an eternity. Your friends are safe. They have to be.

Shuffling around you, pain throbbing in your heart, you are _so tired. Too tired, but no one can blame you if you rest for a while, can they?_

Your friends are safe. The world is safe.

That’s all that counts, isn’t it?

So why are you so sad?

And why are they crying?

**Author's Note:**

> i finally finished code vein. Got the good ending and then quit, because I dont want to have to play it more than once. 
> 
> Besides, i had to watch the bad ending like 30 times for this work, so im good. I dont need my heart to be broken multiple times.


End file.
